A Visit from Sister Wixom

Sister Rosemary Wixom, former General Primary President, came to speak to the women of BYU-Idaho last night.  What a precious, gentle and loving woman she is!  Her words were timely and beautiful.  I just want to record some of the messages I received from this sweet woman. 

Question:  If your life were a book, what would be it's title? 
Have you ever thought of the answer to this question?  It's one I've been chewing on since Sister Wixom first posed it.  I'm still pondering....

Question:  How do you see eternity every day? 
My friend and I discussed how scripture study is essential for keeping our eye on eternity.  Sister Wixom then introduced us to a beautiful phrase: 


What is sacred idleness?  It is purposeful time alone; a focus on sacred (highly valued) things;  a moment in our day that rejuvenates, renews and restores us!  Don't you love that?!  

Sacred idleness is not about wasting time or filling your quiet moments with distractions like social media and television.  

Sacred idleness is personal time in which we focus our lives on the things that matter most. 

Sacred idleness is about pursuing small moments that matter, those things that give you energy back! 

When we focus on creating a sacred moment in our days, we will be able to live in the moment while keeping our eye on eternity! 

Question: How do we take control of our lives? 
The adversary wants to keep us "busily engaged."  We need to seek the light of Christ in our live, determine what the essentials are and focus on the big things in life.  

We do this by keeping our covenants.  Covenant keeping is about trying - - maybe failing sometimes, but always getting up and trying.  Elder Maxwell has said, "It's good to remember how young we are spiritually."  

There is an abundance of blessings for keeping our covenants.  Keep your covenants to bless your family! 

Then, she said so cutely, "If we Mormons can't have fun, I mean, crazy fun, then we are missing the mark!"  

Final Invitatiton
Lastly, Sister Wixom invited us to make a list of those things which have enriched our lives the most.

 - - - - - - 

"Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come."
D&C 68:6


Why Gender Matters

"Teach your children: Being a real man means using your strength in the service of others...Being a real woman is who you are inside."  
 Dr. Leonard Sax, Why Gender Matters, p.240

Since 1995, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has boldly declared, "All human beings - male and female - are created in the image of God...Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal destiny of His children."

When The Proclamation on the Family first came out, I understood the importance of it, but honestly questioned why this particular paragraph was included.  I didn't understand why it needed to be stated so explicitly.  For me, at the time and even now, being female was not a question.  Understanding the need for both male and female was not a question. It seemed pretty clear.  And so, being a teenager, I just went on my merry way and questioned no further.

Fast forward over 20 years and I can now see why this particular paragraph was so necessary, valuable and important.  I understand, also, that for some gender distinction is not so clear.  I can validate that there are real questions and doubts circulating out there in our society.  Most of this uncertainty is being inflamed by media, social media to be exact.  As we hear and see more about gender and identity confusion, we begin to assume that such thoughts are normal and even may begin to adopt them ourselves.

Gender is the focus topic for the Proclamation tips in the March Ensign of 2017.  Though it may not be so clear out in the world, President Uchtdorf explains, "We know some things but not everything...But there is someone who sees all things clearly.  There is a source of truth that is complete and correct. That source is our wise and all-knowing Heavenly Father (emphasis added)."   As with any wrestle we may have with gospel principles, this one is no different.  We must go to the Lord for answers on such matters.

How do we come to terms with what conversations are being had in the world while teaching our children in our homes?  How do we teach compassion and understanding when what is shown as normal is not how God intends it to be?

First of all, I think we need to distinguish equality from being the same.  Dr. Leonard Sax is a renowned physician who has worked extensively on this subject.  He is a strong advocate for same-gender segregation in schools and has some very valid points as to why he believe this.  Ultimately his stance is this:  BOYS AND GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT!  Period.

For years scientists have been showing us that male and female brains are different.  John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus, states, "Not only do men and women communicate differently, but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need and appreciate differently."  I think when this book first came out (and since) this idea of men and women thinking differently has become almost comedic.  We use these differences to make fun of or make light of certain situations.  I think of the commercial where the wife has a nail sticking out of her head.  It's hilarious.  And we laugh.  And that's a good thing!

However, we also need to take into account that these differences are REAL.  Dr. Sax adds his expertise to the puzzle when he expresses our need to acknowledge physical differences as well.  In studying youth sports programs he has found unaddressed distinctions between boys and girls. He says, "Today we all agree that girls and boys should have equal opportunity to participate in sports.  But that doesn't mean that girls and boys should be treated the same...As a physician, I have seen first-hand how this confusion results in more girls injured on the field....If we pay attention to the hardwired differences between girls and boys, we can decrease the risk of injury.  If we ignore the differences between girls and boys because it's politically correct to pretend that girls and boys are the same...then we put girls at risk."

Equal does not mean the same.  I think this is where the conversation becomes skewed.  I think this is the understanding we all could come to.  EQUAL opportunities for women, YES!  I am all for that.  But treating boys and girls the same can be very detrimental.  Dr. Sax gives warm-up suggestions that are more appropriate for the muscle structure of girls than boys.

 Academically, Sax also advises that we teach boys and girls separately, at least in certain subjects, because the boy brain develops differently than does the girl brain.  With such knowledge, teachers and parents can adapt their teaching styles and have much better success in raising girls that love math and boys that love to write (our stereotypical society may be founded on scientific data here).

It is true that gender identity and confusion are a part of our culture now and our children may have many questions to answer for themselves as they become more immersed in this world.  This is a valuable discussion to have with them as they seek out answers for themselves.  I find solace in knowing that we do have a loving Heavenly Father who knows us, who prepared us years ago for this current wave of curiosity and doubt.  I trust in His all-seeing clarity on the matter and I will raise my sons and my daughters equally, but not the same.

 - - - - - 

“[Gender] in large measure defines who we are, why we are here upon the earth, and what we are to do and become. For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary. … The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females were needed to implement the plan of happiness”  - - Elder David A. Bednar


God is Good!

image from lds.org

I believe we all have righteous desires simmering in our hearts.  For days, weeks, months and years we plead for these desires to come to fruition.  We hope for and seek the promised blessings to come into our life.  As time goes on we may become filled with doubt, tears, even anger that we are not receiving what we feel is something good.

And then, sometimes and miraculously, our will aligns with the timing of our Father in Heaven and the promised blessing is realized.  This, in turn, brings forth a whole new range of thoughts and emotions.  First, we are extremely grateful and filled with joy.  Then, reality sets in and we think, "Wait!  Is this really what I wanted?  I'm not so sure this is really what I was asking for."  And yet, we are still grateful.

Then come the more destructive thoughts.  "I don't deserve this.  All I did was whine and complain for all those years.  I begged and was angry and frustrated.  Why am I receiving this blessing when I was such a murmurer?  And what about all those other people still praying for their desired blessings?  Why have am I getting what I want?"  These thoughts and questions lead to feelings of unworthiness, a different kind of doubt, and despair.  This is where the adversary wants us to stay.

But if there's one thing I've learned it is this:


Our Father in Heaven is kind, loving, patient, understanding, trusting and compassionate.  I believe that Heavenly Father wants to give us what we want.  However, "there is a law irrevocably decreed in heaven," a law that He is bound to, a law we may not fully understand.  I believe that even though He would like to give us every desire or our heart, He cannot.  He is bound.  And I believe He cries when we cry.  He mourns with us as we are to mourn with others.  He is also there to bless us immeasurably!  I believe this brings Him great joy when He can finally grant us the blessings we desire.

Our Father in Heaven is not some vindictive parent wagging His finger at us saying, "If you just stop whining I'll give you what you want."  Or "If you would just learn this one lesson...."  Or "Well, you've messed up this time, now you cannot have that cookie."  No!  This is not the God I have come to know. Again, God is so good and I believe He wants us to be happy, which often means giving us what we want when He can.

Now, in the waiting period that is oh so excruciating, we have a couple of choices.  We can continue to pray in faith (which is different than whining, but still has a pleading element to it), asking for that which we desire.  Or we may need to change course and simply accept that there must be something else in store for us.  Something better that we just can't see in the moment.

In my own searching and pleading for another baby, I tried the latter.  I tried with all my heart to change plans, to change my desire, to hope that Heavenly Father would lead me to a different path if the plan I had was not correct.  But each time I tried, it didn't work.  There was no change of plans (this time).  I simply needed to be more patient, keep praying, and even change my prayers to some degree.

And so when I go back to those debilitating thoughts Satan wants me to have: you are unworthy, you don't deserve this, why would you get this blessing?  I push him away and remember that God is Good and He wants this blessing for me as much as I do. No, I don't deserve the blessings I receive.  After all, we've been taught no matter how much we do we are still indebted to the Lord.  But I can turn my heart from those negative thoughts and simply be grateful to a God who loves, gives, cares and blesses.  I can always remind myself that GOD IS GOOD!

 - - - - - - - -

"O how great the goodness of our God, who prepareth a way for our escape from the grasp of this awful monster; yea, that monster, death and hell, which I call the death of the body, and also the death of the spirit." 
2 Nephi 9:10


Between Parent and Child

image from amazon.com

Just a quick shout out to the best parenting book I've read in a long time!  I used to tear through parenting books, finding purpose and vision in my calling as a mother.  Then, I took a hiatus...maybe I got a little prideful not thinking I needed to read them anymore. And then I had teenagers and was not prepared for the transition.  After a great discussion with my dearest friend I felt inspired to get to reading some more.  This was the first book I picked up and loved every minute of it! 

A couple of quotes: 

"Children whose parents do not consider their feelings and point of view may conclude that their ideas are stupid and unworthy of attention and that they are neither lovable nor loved (p.84)." 

"Emotions are part of our genetic heritage. Fish swim, birds fly, and people feel.  Sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are not; but sometimes our lives are sure to feel anger and fear, sadness and joy, greed and guilt, lust and scorn, delight and disgust.  While we are not free to choose the emotions that arise in us, we are free to choose how we express them, provided we know what they are...Many people have been educated out of knowing what their feelings are.  When they felt hate, they were told it was only dislike.  When they were afraid, they were told there was nothing to be afraid of.  When they felt pain, they were advised to be brave and smile (p.27)."

The last couple of years I feel I have become more of a manager than a mother. Dictating became my #1 form of communication with my children.  Dictating, managing, scheduling...this does not create a relationship with others.  This book gave me a glimpse of how better to connect with my children; it's helped me to think about them as people with feelings, not as my children who need to be taught and trained all of the time.  

Looking for motivation in your role as a mother?  I recommend this book!


As a Mother of Young Children

"Just enjoy them." 

As a mother of young children, I remember hearing this all the time!  Every time I heard it I would privately roll my eyes and think defensively, "Duh! I am enjoying them."  And I was.  I did.  I loved having my kids around me.  I loved the busyness and the constant chatter in the background. 

BUT...Being a mother of many young children was also really hard.  I remember going to bed some nights thinking, "What am I going to do tomorrow?"  I remember calling my mom crying because of a particularly challenging day.  I remember the child who would never sleep - - day or night - - and the child who never took a bottle.  I remember days in a row when someone would spill something at dinnertime. And there's the time I walked into my daughter's room ten minutes before church to find her entire body covered in Desitin!! Being a mother of young children is challenging!  

But all of those memories were just days, moments.

I have now been a mother for 17 years.  To some, my children are still very young.  Yet, I can look back at that time and recognize what I truly miss from those younger years. I'm beginning to better understand why people would tell me, "Just enjoy them."  

What I MISS from those younger years: 

Laughter coming from their bedroom.

Hugs and kisses (my teens just don't give these quite so readily!)

Play groups and park days.

Being needed constantly (hard to explain).

Complete control of my little brood - - in control of our schedule, their bedtime, our daily plans.

Childlike messes - the unfrozen otter pops cut open, the flour fight, the 2-year old getting eggs out of the fridge (thus all over the floor) - these are all just funny stories now!

Simple days.

The magic that only a child can bring to an ordinary day - - everything is new and exciting!

Quiet nights holding a baby (I appreciated this most with my current youngest).

Being forced to sit still to nurse a baby - best time to read a book! 

Cooking dinner with my children all around me (now they scatter!).

Halloween and Christmas are much more exciting with younger kids! 

Their childlike innocence and darling things they would say.

What I DON'T MISS from having younger children:

Car seats


Walking the halls at church

I'm sure in another 17 years I will be doing the same about this particular stage, but for now...
 I'm just going to enjoy them.

 - - - - - 

“'Children are an heritage of the Lord' (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live....The family is ordained of God."  


The Lord's Timing

I just read this tender article on lds.org and it made me think about my own experience with the Lord's timing.  In the article the young woman easily recognized the purpose behind the waiting.  Though I have finally received the thing I've been desiring (a new little one coming to our home!), I still don't understand the timing of it all.

Why did we have to wait?

Why did I have to go through so much pain to get to where I am?

Was it just in the struggle that I needed to learn the lessons or is there really a greater purpose to why now instead of then?

There have been other times in my life when I have been able to see what the Lord's purpose was in the end, but this time I'm still kind of baffled!  Ultimately, it's nice to know the Lord knows what He is doing with us.  I try to take comfort in that knowledge as I wait patiently for more answers to come.

 - - - - - 

"For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have." - - 2 Nephi 28:30 - - 
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