|The first two to start me on my motherhood journey|
Fast forward almost sixteen years (ack!) and here I am in another transition mode. And it feels different. It's not that I'm not content, but these past several days I've discovered I don't know many people, I'm not homeschooling, I only have one child at home, I don't have any local hobbies or "social groups" in which I'm participating...Again, I've got the whole day to myself. It's not that I'm not content, I've just been feeling a little displaced, I guess (normal with any transition, I think).
A couple of days ago it dawned on me that I am having to RE-learn how to be a stay-at-home mom. I have gotten so used the busy-busy, rush-rush-rush pace of life, I don't know what to do with quietness. It's daunting to realize I am completely in control of how I spend my time (with no deadlines & no real accountability to anyone else ). With that emptiness my mind gets filled with thoughts like, "I should do this...but I don't want to" and "I could do that...but what if I'm supposed to do something else?"
As a homeschooling mother, I was doing my "best mom" role (for me, not compared to anyone else). No longer wearing that hat, I'm figuring out what my new "best mom" role looks like. And I'm learning all over again that being a stay-at-home mom is tough.
waking up the kids and getting them in bed
squeezing in a few minutes for my own reading
family home evening, prayers and scripture study
listening (or trying to, anyway)
Even without external activities, being a mother truly is a FULL TIME JOB! Am I content?
After making that list I can say, YES! I am content. It's not easy or fun all the time (I hate laundry!), but I can look back on those days when I was first a mother, no longer just dreaming about my dream but actually living it. And here I am...still living it.
I'm so grateful for the chance to be more aware of the stillness, the quiet. I'm sure my schedule will not remain this empty as I meet new people and get more involved in the kids' schools and activities, so I will take this moment to pause and remember to "be still," to remind myself that this is really all I want (and need) to be right now.
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"It’s beautiful to watch one of God’s creations just doing what it was made to do. Ya’ll spend so much time beating yourselves up. I doubt the good Lord made a mistake giving your kiddos the mom he did."
- - from Mom's Night Out - -